Trailer Trasher

Trailer Trash: Brick

2006-02-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

First Click, now Brick? What's next, Kick? Chick? Hick, Lick, Flick, Slick, Mick, Nick, Pick, Quick, Rick, Crick, Prick, Trick, Sick, Tick, Stick, Thick, Wick? Ick...

I'm actually quite excited for this movie. Surprise! No, not really a surprise, it looks fantastic.

I first saw this trailer a while back in a not very decent quality so I'm glad to see it's now been apple-ified, which means High Definition, so that all of you out there can finally see the trailer, since you probably didn't see it when it was a grainy, tiny square on the screen hosted by some seedy, broken-down, back-alley website that makes your hair stand on end just by scrolling down the page, knowing that everywhere you look is something you probably don't want to see.

Oh and be careful, it's a red-band trailer, which means you get a beautiful red screen in front of the trailer instead of that boring green one. So set the kids in front of the screen and let 'er rip.

Some of you probably wonder why I want to see this movie so badly, since I'm usually very harsh about upcoming films. Well, for one thing, this is not a film spewed forth from the Hollywood machine, where some computer program inserts young, hot actor A into crowd-pleasing script B. Not that all I want to see are independent films (just like Hollywood films, a lot of them really, really suck). What's different about independent films are that if anything, there's at least an enthusiasm behind them that helps to bring out the best in the film. Of course, even with that enthusiasm, a lot of them really, really suck.

Also, lately I've been on a big 'mystery' kick. Although I've always been a fan of well-plotted mysteries, my current passion for them was probably set into motion by my almost accidental discovery of Veronica Mars (and if you've never seen the show, see it, rent the first season, download an episode, whatever you have to do just see it (and if you refuse to see it for whatever prejudices you have because it's about teenagers and it's on UPN, just get past them and see it, you will be so glad you did (and if you still can't get over your biases and still refuse to watch the show, honestly cut your fucking throat because you are a serious douchebag and it will make me happy to know that I have Veronica Mars and you don't))) on TV one day. It was an episode in the second half of the first season and I had already missed the first half, but since there was nothing else on, I watched it. By the end of it, I was hooked. I got my hands on the entire first season and watched them all in two days, during finals week when I definitely should have been studying because I was extremely unprepared for my tests. It didn't matter, the mystery of Veronica Mars was what mattered (Then, of course, I had to unravel the mystery of how to read 2,200 pages of literature in two days for my exam).

My point is, I love a good mystery. And this looks to be a good mystery. Other possibly good things: no distracting big-name stars. Sure there's Richard Roundtree and Lukas Haas, but many people aren't familiar with them. And there's Emilie de Ravin from Lost, but she looks to be in a very small role, if even in the movie (which thank God for that because if I had to see her speak with that gigantic black hole of a mouth of hers, I would probably commit seppuku right there in the theater). But the star of the whole shebang is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, formerly Tommy Solomon. I don't know, I like that. I think he might be able to carry the movie well, and we'll actually get to see him put in a decent performance. Hopefully.

Plus, we'll be able to figure out why the hell it's called Brick.

Trailer Trash: Click

2006-01-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

Hello.

I'm back from vacation. But since I didn't actually go anywhere, I guess it was more of a vacation of the mind. I needed to take some time off to restock my wares. You know, like Tuesday Morning. But now I'm back. Continue worshipping at your altar to me.

Click

Here is the trailer for Click, Adam Sandler's new movie.

*Cough*

Well what can be said about this filmic claptrap that couldn't also be said about that squidgy brown stuff I just stepped in as I was crossing my own lawn to pick up the mail (squidgy brown stuff that I keep repeatedly stepping in as I cross my lawn to pick up the mail, even though I told that rat bastard next door to keep his fucking dog in his own fucking lawn because I'm tired of stepping in squidgy brown stuff as I cross my lawn to pick up the mail...It's my own fucking lawn for Chrissakes, I should be able to cross it as I please!! Jesus how hard could it be to make sure the dog doesn't go in my yard, you Albino sonofabitch, it's not like an old, lumbering dog with arthritis like he has can really run so fast out the door that you can't stop him from heading over to my lawn. I mean, my god, I think you may actually be placing him on my lawn and telling him to do his business there.. and I'm looking into it! Don't think I haven't hired someone. You'll get yours, Larry, you'll get yours....)? Basically, it looks like shit.

If I were to elaborate, and I will because I'm simply being paid too much not to, this film seems like the perfect plot for some stupid sitcom that is so funny it needs a laugh track to make sure the viewers at home realize where the funny parts are so they will know when they're supposed to laugh. However, I said the exact same thing (at least to myself) about Pleasantville. Sure, it was about TV, but it also seemed like it didn't really deserve to be on anything but TV. At most, an MoW.

And then, when that movie came out, people actually liked it. Eventually, I saw it and it wasn't complete rubbish, as I had originally expected. It still didn't deserve to be made and I would probably never watch it again, but it didn't necessarily make me want to kill myself, as other films have. The story would have been a better fit somewhere else, like an even less scary than usual episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? or an episode of the Twilight Zone, but a movie? Eh.

So Click suffers from simliar expectations. This is a big-ish movie about a guy who gets a remote control that is able to control his life. Great. Sounds fantastic. Hmm, wait, didn't I see that before on...everything ever? And I don't know what kind of favors Adam Sandler owed, but I feel sorry for him being in this. Lately, his comedic career is as worthless as a subscription to Playboy is to Tom Cruise. I mean, 50 First Dates, Anger Management, Eight Crazy Nights, Mr. Deeds, Little Nicky...

I think IMDb summed it up rather nicely the other day when I caught this on their front page. Note: this image has not been altered in any way. Seriously. This made my day when I saw it. And I agree, IMDb, he is truly trivial.

As far as Chris Walken goes, I am getting sick of seeing him in these bit parts he's been playing for the last 10 years. He's basically a walking joke. I liked it better when he was a real actor.

Trailer Trash: 16 Blocks

2006-01-18T18:45:00.000-08:00

16 Blocks. 118 Minutes. Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfucker.

The trailer for 16 Blocks is now out. Dick Donner's latest opus stars Bruce Willis as an aged cop who has to go up against other cops to protect some young punk, played by slowly-but-steadily-rising star Mos Def.

Now I personally think this movie at least has potential. The most interesting aspect of it being that Bruce Willis is playing an old guy who actually seems old. He looks, acts and even sounds old and tired. Lately he's been playing older characters (being 50+ years old himself), but they inevitably seem to somehow remain adept at astounding feats of ass-kickery. Here, he doesn't seem capable of that, even if he wanted to, which is a nice change of pace. Of course, he might, in the end, be running around doing cartwheels to dodge bullets and jumping towards the screen in an attempt to get away from big huge exploding balls of flame, but it wasn't in the trailer so I'm blissfully ignorant at this point.

Even the concept of the movie suggests Willis' character is extremely exhausted from life's constant smackdowns: he has to get Mos Def 16 blocks and he only has 118 minutes to do it. Imagine if this were John McClane. For McClane, 118 minutes would be embarassingly long. He'd get 16 blocks in about 5 minutes, driving on sidewalks, getting out and running if he had to (didn't you see Die Hard with a Vengeance?). The fact that Willis here is not John McClane actually appeals to me and makes me interested in the film.

However, was anyone else confused by the trailer? Maybe it's just me, but when the armed men go up to the car that Mos Def is in, while Willis is in the shop, and then there seems to be a shooting (?), I was perplexed. I'm going to fault the trailer on this one, though, as it seems that they are trying to cram a lot of story into a few minutes. I had to watch it again just to make sense of it (Random guys hired to kill Mos Def to shut him up, Willis kills them, cops come and say Willis did a good job, then suddenly cops are going after Mos Def and Willis is going up against cops to protect the criminal/witness. At least I think that's it.)

Overall, enticing, complex trailer to what should be an interesting movie.

16 Blocks
Movie Potential: 7/10

Movie Blues: Oh Grow Up, 007

2006-01-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

Digital Spy reports that Quentin Tarantino is P'ed to the O at the producers of the next Bond flick. He claims it was his idea to do a (non-comedy) film version of Casino Royale, the very first James Bond novel written by Ian Fleming. QT is quoted by the Sunday Mirror as saying:

"I'm annoyed that the James Bond producers never even called me up to talk about it because I can tell you they would not be making Casino Royale if I hadn't talked about it first.

"They should have called me. Especially since they are taking my idea and they are taking the publicity I gave them towards that idea. They should have at least out of courtesy had coffee with me."

I remember hearing a while back that Tarantino was being considered to write/direct the next Bond flick. And even though that clearly isn't happening, I thought then and I still think now that Tarantino might actually be a really good choice. Not that I'm some sort of Tarantino fanboy (even though he actually hasn't written and/or directed a film that I haven't at least liked [excluding Natural Born Killers, of course], and several of which I love), but the Bond franchise is really stagnating and it definitely needs something to bring new life into it.

Sure, maybe that's what they're trying to do by bringing Daniel Craig in to be the new Bond, but I honestly don't think changing actors is the problem. In fact, I thought Pierce Brosnan suited the role pretty well (sure, he was no Sean Connery, but hey, who is?). It's just that the movies are pretty much the same each time; they follow the 'Bond movie pattern' and to me it's really getting boring. After 20 movies, I'm tired of the same old thing.

I say, make an R-rated Bond movie. Just see what happens! Make it dark with a compelling story-line. Make Bond into a real character and not just witty repartee in a tuxedo. And I think that Tarantino would have done something like that, if they'd given him the chance.

I know that I personally do not look forward to new Bond movies and I certainly don't go to see them anymore because what's the point? Basically all they are now is the requisite shit blowing up, the requisite PG-13 love scenes with the requisite Bond girl, the requisite villain with the requisite complex dastardly plot, and the requisite final showdown. YAWN.

If EON wants to get my ass into the theater, they're going to have to take a chance. I think Tarantino was that chance and they passed. No wonder the man's pissed, he probably feels the same way I do.

Feature Presentation: Balls of Gold! Updated

2006-01-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

To: Hollywood
From: Hollywood
Subject: Congratulations!
Message: Wow, you are great, seriously so great. I can't believe how great you are. And just to show everyone how great you are, here's an award! Congratulations! You deserve it!

It's the 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards!! Can you believe that it's already been a year since the last ones? I know I don't care! I mean, I know I can't believe it..yes, that's what I mean...

What's the point of all these award shows, you ask? Well...um...don't ask stupid questions, all right? Just enjoy the show. Ok, ok, it's true, these awards are meaningless. Certainly the movies that win the awards aren't necessarily the best movies of the year, and the movies that are the best don't necessarily win the awards. But how often do you get to see an entire herd of celebrities crowded into one room and watch them give each other handjobs? Yeah, all right, so there's an award show practically every month.

To be honest, I haven't seen a lot of the nominated movies and TV shows. Also, since the show doesn't air until 8pm Pacific Time, I will be watching 24 instead (as should all of you). But who cares! Here are my picks anyway!

*Update: Now that the awards are over, I'm updating this to include the actual winners

Best Motion Picture - Drama

A History of Violence
Brokeback Mountain
The Constant Gardener
Good Night, and Good Luck
Match Point

My Pick: Since the only one of these films that I've actually seen is A History of Violence, I'm going to have to go with that one for the mixture of comedy/drama/weirdness that David Cronenberg puts in his films. It's definitely nutty

What Will Probably Win: I'm going to say Brokeback Mountain, because I really want to see Butchback Mountaindance and I think the only way that will happen is if this movie wins lots of awards.

Actual Winner: Brokeback Mountain

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama

Maria Bello - A History of Violence
Felicity Huffman - Transamerica
Gwyneth Paltrow - Proof
Charlize Theron - North Country
Ziyi Zhang - Memoirs of a Geisha

My Pick: Again, having only seen A History of Violence, I'll go with Maria Bello. She was, after all, pretty good.

Who Will Probably Win: I'm sure hoping Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't win, because she couldn't act her way out of a cardboard box. (I'm serious, didn't you see Seven??) Probably Felicity Huffman because she plays a pre-op transsexual. *shrug*

Actual Winner: Felicity Huffman

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama

Russell Crowe - Cinderella Man
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Capote
Terrence Howard - Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger - Brokeback Mountain
David Strathairn - Good Night, and Good Luck

My Pick: Philip Seymour Hoffman because while watching Capote, I forgot I was watching an actor portray a real-life person. He inhabited Truman Capote.

Who Will Probably Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman!!

Actual Winner: Philip Seymour Hoffman

Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
The Producers
The Squid and the Whale
Walk the Line

My Pick: Yeesh, I saw none of these movies. I guess I'll go with....The Squid and the Whale because that's the one that I want to see the most out of those.

What Will Probably Win: Walk the Line. No reason.

Actual Winner: Walk the Line

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

Judi Dench - Mrs. Henderson Presents
Keira Knightley - Pride & Prejudice
Laura Linney - The Squid and the Whale
Sarah Jessica Parker - The Family Stone
Reese Witherspoon - Walk the Line

My Pick: Although, again, I haven't seen these movies, Laura Linney has a great track record for putting in memorable and extremely believable performances.

Who Will Probably Win: Reese Witherspoon. I don't know why.

Actual Winner: Reese Witherspoon

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

Pierce Brosnan - The Matador
Jeff Daniels - The Squid and the Whale
Johnny Depp - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Nathan Lane - The Producers
Cillian Murphy - Breakfast on Pluto
Joaquin Phoenix - Walk the Line

My Pick: Not gonna happen, but I'd like to see Johnny Depp win for his incredibly eccentric performance in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It would just be fun.

Who Will Probably Win: Joaquin Phoenix. Johnny Cash died recently. Automatic win.

Actual Winner: Joaquin Phoenix

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Scarlett Johansson - Match Point
Shirley MacLaine - In Her Shoes
Frances McDormand - North Country
Rachel Weisz - The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams - Brokeback Mountain

My Pick: Rachel Weisz. Only because if she reads this blog and sees that I thought she should have won, maybe she will dump that loser Darren Aronofsky and sleep with me.. *sigh*

Who Will Probably Win: ...Rachel Weisz *wink*

Actual Winner: Rachel Weisz - Please sleep with me...

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

George Clooney - Syriana
Matt Dillon - Crash
Will Ferrell - The Producers
Paul Giamatti - Cinderella Man
Bob Hoskins - Mrs. Henderson Presents

My Pick: Paul Giamatti is the man.

Who Will Probably Win: Please God, not Will Ferrell. That is a fire that does not need to be fueled. Let's go with George Clooney.

Actual Winner: George Clooney

Best Foreign Language Film

Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas)
Kung Fu Hustle
Paradise Now
The Promise (Master of the Crimson Armor)
Tsotsi

My Pick: I've only seen Kung Fu Hustle. I liked it a lot. Kung Fu Hustle.

What Will Probably Win: I doubt an action/comedy like Kung Fu Hustle will win, so let's go with something that I have not heard of, nor know anything about: Paradise Now.

Actual Winner: Paradise Now

Best Director - Motion Picture

Woody Allen - Match Point
George Clooney - Good Night, and Good Luck
Peter Jackson - King Kong
Ang Lee - Brokeback Mountain
Fernando Meirelles - The Constant Gardener
Steven Spielberg - Munich

My Pick: Probably Woody Allen, having apparently made his first watchable movie in a decade.

Who Will Probably Win: Ang Lee.

Actual Winner: Ang Lee

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture

Match Point - Woody Allen
Good Night, and Good Luck - George Clooney and Grant Heslov
Crash - Paul Haggis, Bobby Moresco
Munich - Tony Kushner, Eric Roth
Brokeback Mountain - Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana

My Pick: Woody Allen for Match Point!

Who Will Probably Win: Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco for Crash!

Actual Winner: Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana for Brokeback Mountain

Best Original Score - Motion Picture

Syriana - Alexandre Desplat
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - Harry Gregson-Williams
King Kong - James Newton Howard
Brokeback Mountain - Gustavo Santaolalla
Memoirs of a Geisha - John Williams

My Pick: James Newton Howard for King Kong

Who Will Probably Win: John Williams hasn't won a Golden Globe since E.T. despire scoring eighty-hundred movies a year, so probably Gustavo Santaolalla, since he's got a cool name.

Actual Winner: John Williams

Best Original Song - Motion Picture

"A Love that Will Never Grow Old" - Brokeback Mountain
"Christmas in Love" - Christmas in Love
"There's Nothing like a Show on Broadway" - The Producers
"Travelin' Thru" - Transamerica
"Wunderkind" - The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

My Pick: Blech. No idea. The Producers, I guess.

What Will Probably Win: Brokeback Mountain

Actual Winner: Brokeback Mountain

Best Television Series - Drama

Commander in Chief
Grey's Anatomy
Lost
Prison Break
Rome

My Pick: Definitely Lost. The first season was pretty damn cool.

What Will Probably Win: Lost, I hope.

Actual Winner: Lost

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Drama

Patricia Arquette - Medium
Glenn Close - The Shield
Geena Davis - Commander in Chief
Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer
Polly Walker - Rome

My Pick: Um, can I abstain? Glenn Close!

Who Will Probably Win: Glenn Close!

Actual Winner: Geena Davis

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Drama

Patrick Dempsey - Grey's Anatomy
Matthew Fox - Lost
Hugh Laurie - House
Wentworth Miller - Prison Break
Kiefer Sutherland - 24

My Pick: Definitely Jack Bauer..I mean, Keifer Sutherland. He just rocks too hard to lose.

Who Will Probably Win: Hugh Laurie better not win, I remain unimpressed with his performance as the robotic, uncaring, Dr. House. Woah, really hard to pull that off. Matthew Fox will probably win, since he had a lot to do in that first season of Lost.

Actual Winner: Hugh Laurie

Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Entourage
Everybody Hates Chris
My Name is Earl
Weeds

My Pick: If it was 2 years ago, I would say Curb, but considering the most recent season, I'll go with Weeds. And Arrested Development should be in this list in place of Desperate Housewives...which is a DRAMA with comedic elements!

What Will Probably Win: The critics seem to love Everybody Hates Chris.

Actual Winner: Desperate Housewives

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy

Marcia Cross - Desperate Housewives
Teri Hatcher -Desperate Housewives
Felicity Huffman - Desperate Housewives
Eva Longoria - Desperate Housewives
Mary-Louise Parker - Weeds

My Pick: Good God! Mary-Louise Parker! Weeds is so much better than Desperate Housewives its unbelievable that they'd even invite the comparison!

Who Will Probably Win: Marcia Cross. Because I have no faith in the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Actual Winner: Mary-Louise Parker

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy

Zach Braff - Scrubs
Steve Carrell - The Office
Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jason Lee - My Name is Earl
Charlie Sheen - Two and a Half Men

My Pick: I would like to see Zach Braff win for the consistently strong performance he's been giving on Scrubs for the last 5 years.

Who Will Probably Win: Steve Carrell

Actual Winner: Steve Carrell

Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Empire Falls
Into the West
Lackawanna Blues
Sleeper Cell
Viva Blackpool
Warm Springs

My Pick: Sleeper Cell because it sounds like Splinter Cell and I like those games.

What Will Probably Win: Warm Springs because I saw my dad watching it one time.

Actual Winner: Empire Falls

Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Halle Berry - Their Eyes Were Watching God
Kelly MacDonald - The Girl in the Cafe
S. Epatha Merkerson - Lackawanna Blues
Cynthia Nixon - Warm Springs
Mira Sorvino - Human Trafficking

My Pick: Mira Sorvino. She was great in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.

Who Will Probably Win: Cynthia Nixon. Hey, it's that lady from Sex and the City!

Actual Winner: S. Epatha Merkerson

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Kenneth Branagh - Warm Springs
Ed Harris - Empire Falls
Bill Nighy - The Girl in the Cafe
Jonathan Rhys Meyers - Elvis
Donald Sutherland - Human Trafficking

My Pick: Bill Nighy. He was in Shaun of the Dead, 'nuff said.

Who Will Probably Win: Ed Harris.

Actual Winner: Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Candice Bergen - Boston Legal
Camryn Manheim - Elvis
Sandra Oh - Grey's Anatomy
Elizabeth Perkins - Weeds
Joanne Woodward - Empire Falls

My Pick: Gonna go with Liz Perkins for Weeds, just because it's such a good show.

Who Will Probably Win: Candice Bergen. Might as well throw that old dog a bone.

Actual Winner: Sandra Oh

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Naveen Andrews - Lost
Paul Newman - Empire Falls
Jeremy Piven - Entourage
Randy Quaid - Elvis
Donald Sutherland - Commander In Chief

My Pick: Naveen Andrews because he rocks as Sayid.

Who Will Probably Win: Paul Newman. Because he's Paul Newman.

Actual Winner: Paul Newman

Cecil B. Demille Award

My Pick: Uwe Boll. I would laugh and laugh and laugh...

Who Will Probably Win: Anthony Hopkins. He's been kissing the Hollywood Foreign Press's ass a lot lately.

Actual Winner: Um...Anthony Hopkins...

I have a Golden Globes pool going with myself, and the winner gets $100, so hopefully I picked them well!

*Update: Well, obviously I was better at picking movies than I was at picking the TV awards. Total I got 14/24 correct (according to what I thought would win), which is not great. However, if you isolate the movie awards, I got 11/13, which I think is pretty good. Oh well, I guess I have to pay up the $100 now.

Movie Blues: Snakes on a Stealth Bandwagon

2006-01-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

Where the Hell did Snakes on a Plane come from?

Am I really the only one who just heard about this movie recently? I hear about it, look it up and realize that I really missed the boat on this one. It seems like everyone's already gone crazy about this thing, way before I got a chance to! I feel like that awkward, acne-recover ed kid who finally gets up the nerve to ask out the pretty girl next door, she agrees, they go on a wonderful date and at the end of the night, she lets him slip his hot dog into her bun, a dream come true, and then the next day he finds out from his best friend, after bragging to him first, that half the neighborhood has already plucked that bird.

How can I make fun of this movie now, knowing that the entire internet community has already made every conceivable joke about it? I mean, come on, the movie's not even close to release and already there are 6 pages of posts on its IMDb forum, there are joke posters, webcomics, t-shirts, and there's even a fan-made audio trailer. Even these IMDb keywords are hilarious.

This is really sad for me. I mean, it is so ripe for the picking: Snakes on a Plane...Snakes on a PLANE. That’s what the movie is called. And you know Sam Jackson didn’t even read the script, he just saw the title and said: “I am doing this muthafucking movie.”

But I guess in a way, it’s good that I missed this one. The movie is so easy to make fun of, that everyone’s doing it. It's trendy and hip. It’s the new trucker hat, the new tucking your jeans inside fugly boots, the new popped collar. In other words: douchey. Everyone's making jokes ranging from the obligatory sequel titles: “Snakes on a Plane 2: Planes on a Snake!” to terrible puns: “Will this be filmed on a Boa-ing 747? !!” Making any further jokes about it would only cheapen me, bring me down to their level. And I've been down that road before and I don't want to go down that road again. Not with them. Those bastards.

Truth be told, I am looking forward to seeing a trailer for this movie. It could be one of those cheesy B-movies that knows exactly what it is and has a ball with it. I still probably wouldn't pay to see it in theaters. But it's possible it could end up on my Netflix queue. C'mon, snakes that are on a plane!!

Trailer Trash: Date Movie

2006-01-14T21:46:00.000-08:00

Fat People are Disgusting!

Basically, that's what I got from the trailer for Date Movie.

This must be what the target audience is thinking while watching the trailer for this "movie": "Look at that fat woman (who, of course, is not actually a fat woman, but merely a very thin actress in a fat suit. also see: Shallow Hal, Friends, etc. -ed.), trying to dance all sexy-like! Man, that is so gross, but I can't look away! HAHAHA IT'S SO GODDAMNED FUNNY!! I HOPE THAT AT LEAST HALF THE MOVIE (seriously, nearly half the trailer is just Alyson Hannigan fat-suit-dancing. It wasn't funny in the beginning, and it's not funny a minute and a half later -ed.) IS JUST THIS FAT LADY TRYING TO LOOK SEXY WHILE DANCING. BUT DOESN'T SHE KNOW SHE'S FAT AND UGLY AND THEREFORE CAN'T EVER BE SEXY????? HER BIG FAT FLOPPY BREASTS JUST FLUNG AROUND TO HER BACK ...AAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAA.... oh god, i think i'm gonna vomit... but I can't close my mouth because I'M LAUGHING SO HARD ....BLEECCHCCCHHHHHAAHHAHHAHHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!"

Now I'm not one to be quick to judge or to say harsh things, but seriously, "filmmakers"? What the fuck were you thinking when you made this? I have not yet had the pleasure of seeing this thing in a theater, but I honestly can't imagine hearing anyone laugh while watching this, unless the laughter is coming from severely drunk people (and I'm talking excruciatingly drunk, like, about to die). I think if the situation did arise where I was bombarded with this horrendous trailer in front of some other movie I had wanted to see, and for some strange reason I hadn't elected to just go home altogether because my movie-going experience was about to be ruined anyway, on the off-chance that I sat and watched it with the crowd, I would make sure that the people who laugh at this travesty would be the same people slumped over in their seats, their lifeforce completely drained from their bodies, by the end of the feature. Honestly, people who find this trailer funny should be wiped from the gene pool. And if any of you reading this watched the trailer and found it funny, please leave a comment with your name, address, picture, and the best times to come and kill you.

Trailers have one primary purpose: to make you want to pay the $8-10 to see the movie when it comes out. The method by which they should achieve this effect is to entice you by highlighting the best aspects of the movie. If it is a horror movie, the trailer should serve to either scare you, unnerve you, or show you how when you watch the actual movie, you will be scared and unnerved. If it is a comedy, then the trailer should show you how funny the movie will be. This applies in this case because this movie is meant to be a comedy. So far, the only thing funny about it is that it's supposed to be funny. In many cases, if a comedy is not very funny, you will see all the funniest parts of the movie in the trailer. This is to make you think the rest of the film will continue this trajectory of hilarity. However, if the funniest parts of the movie aren't funny at all, e.g. Date Movie, then what you're left with is a dud. I present to you, the movie-going audience, the 2006 dud to end all duds: Date Movie.

One last thing. I remember a time when parody/spoof (hereafter referred to as parodoof) movies were actually funny. Is it just me? What happened to the days of Airplane!, The Naked Gun, Young Frankenstein, and Blazing Saddles? Mel Brooks and the ZAZ team used to rule the roost (if I can coin a phrase) when it came to parodoof movies, and then tragedy struck. ZAZ broke up and Jerry Zucker started making "serious" movies like First Knight and Ghost. Jim Abrahams made Hot Shots, a pretty decent parodoof but couldn't hold a candle (if I can coin a phrase) to the greats. Unfortunately, he then made a sequel to it, and then completely crumbled doing Jane Austen's Mafia! (note the "!" trying to recall the heyday of Airplane!). The other Zucker, David, went on to make Baseketball *shudder* and Scary Movie 3 *shudder*.

Finally, I think we all know what happened to Mel Brooks, devolving into an "I like you as a friend" parodoof (Robin Hood: Men in Tights) and then finally going into full-blown "I cheated on you six months ago with our neighbor, AIDS-having Gary, and I just found out that I have it too so you better get tested, especially since you know I don't believe in condoms" parodoof that was the horror of Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

The downfall of the greats opened the door for newcomers, but they all had the same air of stinkiness as Date Movie. The problem, as I see it, is that new parodoofs all do basically the same thing. When they're trying to spoof a genre, rather than putting a spin on genre conventions and cliches, they merely re-enact scenes from movies in that genre. They don't allow room for real characters or real plot, they just try to cram as many scenes from other movies in as possible. So then what happens is you get a 79-minute collection of sketches, which, when it's over, leaves you feeling cold and empty like when you woke up that one morning after a torrid, drunken, passionate weekend with your cousin, Lorne, and realized what you did. But it's ok, you told yourself, it'll never happen again. Besides, being cousins only means we have the same grandparents. That's, like, an entire generation of genetic difference.

What made the classics classic and the greats great were that you could have never seen any film in the genre that it was spoofing and still think the movie was hilarious. That's because it was hilarious. It was creative and original and damned funny. Those three things are exactly what are missing from Date Movie.

Date Movie
Movie Potential: -infinity/10

CelebriCrap: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon Should Be Thrown into an Active Volcano

2006-01-13T20:11:00.000-08:00

File this in the "probably bullshit, but stupid enough to be plausible because it's Hollywood" category: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have decided to crap out another Hollywood atrocity by starring in a remake of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, according to OK! Magazine as reported by ContactMusic.com, so you know it's reputable.

Look, if this is true, I guarantee it will be a piece of shit. Another shitty, pointless, unnecessary, needless, crappy, poopy, doodoo-y, nonessential, and redundant film. Probably directed by Gus Van Sant.

Hollywood listen up: there is already a film called Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It was already made, and guess what? It was great! It is great! If you haven't seen it, go watch it! Remaking this movie is like taking your favorite dish that your mom has perfected over the years into a genius piece of foodmaking, and then making it look, smell, sound, feel and, worst of all, taste like shit. Shit with boogers in it. And candy corn.

And Ben Affleck and Matt Damon will never, ever compare to Paul Newman and Robert Redford (the young Robert Redford). So why try? The only way this film could work, as I see it, is if they make it completely different from the original. In fact, since Brokeback Mountain has legitimized gay cowboys and opened the door for future gay cowboy movies, why not do something in that vein? Then at least Damon and Affleck could unleash the fury that is their somewhat hidden, raging lust for one another.

Oh and then if that's successful, they could do a remake of The Sting, only this time it would be about the sweet, sweet pain of being anally penetrated for the first time. I smell an Oscar!

CelebriCrap: Colin Farrell is SOOO GAY!! OMFG

2006-01-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

According to this junket footage, Colin Farrell apparently really likes to "eat weiners at a barbeque" if you know what I mean. He's had his share of "hot, spicy sausage" in his mouth, if you get my drift. He really loves to "suck on men's penises", if you see what I'm getting at.

Not only that, but he really admires Bruce Willis' phenomenal manhood. I have heard that some people believe that Colin is most definitely gay because of his behavior in this clip.

These people are, however, morons. It's incredibly obvious he's just fucking with the strange interviewer person, most likely because he's drunk, high, coked up, or just plain weird. And the answer is probably all of the above. However, if it turned out that Colin Farrell has given a few blowjays in his day, it wouldn't surprise me. The man is a hedonist, a libertine, the Second Earl of Rochester incarnate. I say, let him do his thing, his drunk, Irish thing. Live long and prosper, brother. Well, maybe not live long, considering he probably has more STDs than a bowl of alphabet soup.

If embedded clip does not work, it can be viewed at: http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2472570

Trailer Trash: Superman Returns

2006-01-11T02:58:00.000-08:00

Nobody Fucks with the Jesus!
http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/supermanreturns/

Well, well, well. Did Bryan Singer really trash the X-Men franchise (leaving it in the completely inept hands of frat-boy extraordinaire Brett Ratner) so he could make this movie? Setting aside the fact that Superman has to be one of the least interesting comic book superheroes ever, I am going to focus on reviewing just the trailer itself.

This is a Jesus movie. No doubt.

There's always been a sort of unspoken, hidden subtext in the comics comparing Krypton's favorite son with the Lord's favorite son, but this trailer is so blatant in its comparison that it does everything but call him Clark Christ.

With the God-like voice of Jor-El proclaiming that he is sending his only son to be the savior of mankind, there is simply no other way to view this. How incredibly boring.

I want to believe that this movie will be fantastic; that Bryan Singer can take this turd, this boring, basically impervious and flawless and infallible character, and turn it into something worth watching, but from this footage I have my doubts. The only thing it seems to have going for it is that it is well-made from a technical standpoint. Superman's flying looks to be the best thing to come out of the Matrix sequels. Other than that, I might have to wait until it hits DVD or HD-DVD or Blu-ray or UMD or DivX or Xvid or x264 or whatever the hell it's going to be a year from now.

And on the subject of Brandon Routh: you know that the production is troubled when the most you hear about it is how the star's genitals have to be digitally shrunk because they're too big for his britches. Haven't we heard this before? When Lindsay Lohan had to be shrunk down because her breasts were too big for a Disney movie and Keira Knightley had to be enlarged for Pirates of the Caribbean so people didn't think she was a 10-year-old boy who'd wandered onto the set. Ah, Hollywood.

Superman Returns
Movie Potential: 5/10